Thursday, February 26, 2009

10 Reasons you should never get a Job

Maybe you just finished a hard day's work, and thought to yourself "Why do I keep doing this?". Maybe you just had nothing better to do, and stumbled across this article. Either way, the following article makes some profound points, that you would be naive to ignore. Read on!! (Warning: LONG POST)

10 Reasons you should never get a Job - Steve Pavlina

Just for fun I recently asked Erin, Now that the kids are in summer school, "Don't you think it's about time you went out and got yourself a job? I hate seeing you wallow in unemployment for so long."

She smiled and said " Wow. I have been unemployed a really long time. That s weird I like it!"

Neither of us have had jobs since the 90s (my only job was in 1992), so we've been self-employed for quite a while. In our household it's a running joke for one of us to say to the other, Maybe you should get a job, derelict!

It s like the scene in The Three Stooges where Moe tells Curly to get a job, and Curly backs away, saying, No, please not that! Anything but that! 

It's funny that when people reach a certain age, such as after graduating college, they assume it's time to go out and get a job. But like many things the masses do, just because everyone does it doesn't mean it's a good idea. In fact, if you are reasonably intelligent, getting a job is one of the worst things you can do to support yourself. There are far better ways to make a living than selling yourself into indentured servitude.

Here are some reasons you should do everything in your power to avoid getting a job:

 

1. Income for dummies.

Getting a job and trading your time for money may seem like a good idea. There s only one problem with it. It's stupid! It s the stupidest way you can possibly generate income! This is truly income for dummies.

Why is getting a job so dumb? Because you only get paid when you're working. Don't you see a problem with that? Or have you been so thoroughly brainwashed into thinking it's reasonable and intelligent to only earn income when you're working? Have you never considered that it might be better to be paid even when you re not working? Who taught you that you could only earn income while working? Some other brainwashed employee perhaps. 

Don't you think your life would be much easier if you got paid while you were eating, sleeping, and playing with the kids too? Why not get paid 24/7? Get paid whether you work or not. Don't your plants grow even when you aren't tending to them? Why not your bank account? 

Who cares how many hours you work!! Only a handful of people on this entire planet care how much time you spend at the office. Most of us won't even notice whether you work 6 hours a week or 60. But if you have something of value to provide that matters to us, a number of us will be happy to pull out our wallets and pay you for it. We don't care about your time - we only care enough to pay for the value we receive. Do you really care how long it took me to write this article Would you pay me twice as much if it took me 6 hours vs. only 3?

Non-dummies often start out on the traditional income for dummies path. So don't feel bad if you' re just now realizing you ve been suckered. Non-dummies eventually realize that trading time for money is indeed extremely dumb and that there must be a better way. And of course there is a better way. The key is to de-couple your value from your time.

Smart people build systems that generate income 24/7, especially passive income. This can include starting a business, building a web site, becoming an investor, or generating royalty income from creative work. The system delivers the ongoing value to people and generates income from it, and once it's in motion, it runs continuously whether you tend to it or not. From that moment on, the bulk of your time can be invested in increasing your income (by refining your system or spawning new ones) instead of merely maintaining your income.

This web site is an example of such a system. At the time of this writing, it generates about $9000 a month in income for me (update: $40,000 a month as of 10/31/06), and it isn t my only income stream either. I write each article just once (fixed time investment), and people can extract value from them year after year. The web server delivers the value, and other systems (most of which I didn t even build and don t even understand) collect income and deposit it automatically into my bank account. It's not perfectly passive, but I love writing and would do it for free anyway. But of course it cost me a lot of money to launch this business, right? Um, yeah, $9 is an awful lot these days (to register the domain name). Everything after that was profit.

Sure it takes some upfront time and effort to design and implement your own income-generating systems. But you don t have to reinvent the wheel! Feel free to use existing systems like ad networks and affiliate programs. Once you get going, you won t have to work so many hours to support yourself. Wouldn t it be nice to be out having dinner with your spouse, knowing that while you're eating, you're earning money! If you want to keep working long hours because you enjoy it, go right ahead. If you want to sit around doing nothing, feel free. As long as your system continues delivering value to others, you'll keep getting paid whether you re working or not.

Your local bookstore is filled with books containing workable systems others have already designed, tested, and debugged. Nobody is born knowing how to start a business or generate investment income, but you can easily learn it. How long it takes you to figure it out is irrelevant because the time is going to pass anyway. You might as well emerge at some future point as the owner of income-generating systems as opposed to a lifelong wage slave. This isn't all or nothing. If your system only generates a few hundred dollars a month, that's a significant step in the right direction.

2. Limited experience.

You might think it's important to get a job to gain experience. But that's like saying you should play golf to get experience playing golf. You gain experience from living, regardless of whether you have a job or not. A job only gives you experience at that job, but you gain experience doing just about anything, so that's no real benefit at all. Sit around doing nothing for a couple years, and you can call yourself an experienced meditator, philosopher, or politician. 

The problem with getting experience from a job is that you usually just repeat the same limited experience over and over. You learn a lot in the beginning and then stagnate. This forces you to miss other experiences that would be much more valuable. And if your limited skill set ever becomes obsolete, then your experience won t be worth squat. In fact, ask yourself what the experience you re gaining right now will be worth in 20-30 years. Will your job even exist then? 

Consider this. Which experience would you rather gain -  The knowledge of how to do a specific job really well - one that you can only monetize by trading your time for money / or the knowledge of how to enjoy financial abundance for the rest of your life without ever needing a job again? Now I don't know about you, but I'd rather have the latter experience. That seems a lot more useful in the real world, wouldn't you say ?

3. Lifelong domestication.

Getting a job is like enrolling in a human domestication program. You learn how to be a good pet.

Look around you. Really look. What do you see? Are these the surroundings of a free human being? Or are you living in a cage for unconscious animals? Have you fallen in love with the color beige? 

How's your obedience training coming along? Does your master reward your good behavior? Do you get disciplined if you fail to obey your master's commands? 

Is there any spark of free will left inside you? Or has your conditioning made you a pet for life?

Humans are not meant to be raised in cages. You poor thing!!

4. Too many mouths to feed.

Employee income is the most heavily taxed there is. In the USA you can expect that about half your salary will go to taxes. The tax system is designed to disguise how much you re really giving up because some of those taxes are paid by your employer and some are deducted from your paycheck. But you can bet that from your employer s perspective, all of those taxes are considered part of your pay, as well as any other compensation you receive such as benefits. Even the rent for the office space you consume is considered, so you must generate that much more value to cover it. You might feel supported by your corporate environment, but keep in mind that you re the one paying for it.

Another chunk of your income goes to owners and investors. That’s a lot of mouths to feed. 

It isn't hard to understand why employees pay the most in taxes relative to their income. After all, who has more control over the tax system? Business owners and investors or employees? 

You only get paid a fraction of the real value you generate. Your real salary may be more than triple what you re paid, but most of that money you'll never see. It goes straight into other people's pockets.

What a generous person you are!

5. Way too risky.

Many employees believe getting a job is the safest and most secure way to support them. 

Morons.

Social conditioning is amazing. It s so good it can even make people believe the exact opposite of the truth.

Does putting yourself in a position where someone else can turn off all your income just by saying two words ( You're fired ) sound like a safe and secure situation to you Does having only one income stream honestly sound more secure than having 10 

The idea that a job is the most secure way to generate income is just silly. You can t have security if you don t have control, and employees have the least control of anyone. If you re an employee, then your real job title should be professional gambler.

6. Having an evil bovine master.

When you run into an idiot in the entrepreneurial world, you can turn around and head the other way. When you run into an idiot in the corporate world, you have to turn around and say, "Sorry boss". 

Did you know that the word boss comes from the Dutch word baas, which historically means master. Another meaning of the word boss is a cow or bovine. And in many video games, the boss is the evil dude that you have to kill at the end of a level.

So if your boss is really your evil bovine master, then what does that make you? Nothing but a turd in the herd.

Who's your daddy? 

7. Begging for money.

When you want to increase your income, do you have to sit up and beg your master for more money? Does it feel good to be thrown some extra Scooby Snacks now and then? 

Or are you free to decide how much you get paid without needing anyone s permission but your own ?

If you have a business and one customer says no to you, you simply say next. 

8. An inbred social life.

Many people treat their jobs as their primary social outlet. They hang out with the same people working in the same field. Such incestuous relations are social dead ends. An exciting day includes deep conversations about the company s switch from Sparkletts to Arrowhead, the delay of Microsoft s latest operating system, and the unexpected delivery of more Bic pens. Consider what it would be like to go outside and talk to strangers. Ooooh scary! Better stay inside where it's safe. 

If one of your co-slaves gets sold to another master, do you lose a friend If you work in a male-dominated field, does that mean you never get to talk to women above the rank of receptionist Why not decide for yourself whom to socialize with instead of letting your master decide for you Believe it or not, there are locations on this planet where free people congregate. Just be wary of those jobless folk "They're a crazy bunch!"

9. Loss of freedom.

It takes a lot of effort to tame a human being into an employee. The first thing you have to do is break the human s independent will. A good way to do this is to give them a weighty policy manual filled with nonsensical rules and regulations. This leads the new employee to become more obedient, fearing that s/he could be disciplined at any minute for something incomprehensible. Thus, the employee will likely conclude it s safest to simply obey the master s commands without question. Stir in some office politics for good measure, and we've got a freshly minted mind slave.

As part of their obedience training, employees must be taught how to dress, talk, move, and so on. We can't very well have employees thinking for themselves, now can we? That would ruin everything.

God forbid you should put a plant on your desk when it's against the company policy. Oh no, it' s the end of the world! Cindy has a plant on her desk! Summon the enforcers! Send Cindy back for another round of sterility training!

Free human beings think such rules and regulations are silly of course. The only policy they need is: Be smart. Be nice. Do what you love. Have fun. 

10. Becoming a coward.

Have you noticed that employed people have an almost endless capacity to whine about problems at their companies But they don t really want solutions " they just want to vent and make excuses why it s all someone else s fault. It s as if getting a job somehow drains all the free will out of people and turns them into spineless cowards. If you can t call your boss a jerk now and then without fear of getting fired, you re no longer free. You've become your master 's property.

When you work around cowards all day long, don't you think it s going to rub off on you? Of course it will. It s only a matter of time before you sacrifice the noblest parts of your humanity on the altar of fear: first courage then honesty then honor and integrity and finally your independent will. You sold your humanity for nothing but an illusion. And now your greatest fear is discovering the truth of what you've become.

I don t care how badly you've been beaten down. It is never too late to regain your courage. Never! 

Still want a job?  

If you're currently a well-conditioned, well-behaved employee, your most likely reaction to the above will be defensiveness. It's all part of the conditioning. But consider that if the above didn't have a grain of truth to it, you wouldn’t t have an emotional reaction at all. This is only a reminder of what you already know. You can deny your cage all you want, but the cage is still there. Perhaps this all happened so gradually that you never noticed it until now like a lobster enjoying a nice warm bath.

If any of this makes you mad, that s a step in the right direction. Anger is a higher level of consciousness than apathy, so it s a lot better than being numb all the time. Any emotion “even confusion “is better than apathy. If you work through your feelings instead of repressing them, you'll soon emerge on the doorstep of courage. And when that happens, you'll have the will to actually do something about your situation and start living like the powerful human being you were meant to be instead of the domesticated pet you've been trained to be.

Happily jobless!

What's the alternative to getting a job? The alternative is to remain happily jobless for life and to generate income through other means. Realize that you earn income by providing value (not time) so find a way to provide your best value to others, and charge a fair price for it. One of the simplest and most accessible ways is to start your own business. Whatever work you d otherwise do via employment, find a way to provide that same value directly to those who will benefit most from it. It takes a bit more time to get going, but your freedom is easily worth the initial investment of time and energy. Then you can buy your own Scooby Snacks for a change.

And of course everything you learn along the way, you can share with others to generate even more value. So even your mistakes can be monetized.

Cheers! 

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Ridiculously Easy Ways to enjoy Engineering

1. Get into a court case, and delay your admission by a year or two. This way, when you really get in, you'll be having fantasies about how much you like the college.

2. Call a professor (preferably an HOD) out on his bullshit, following which he will make it his mission in life to tear you a new one in the time you are in college. But hey, nothing worth getting is ever worth getting easily, right? *Wink Wink*

3. Jog through a semester being utterly clueless, and laugh while your classmates scurry around like crazed rodents to complete assignments and submit journals. This will substantially increase your enjoyment of the sem. (Atleast the better part of it)

4. Celebrate festivals with unbridled enthusiasm, and make it your mission in life to bring the spirit of each festival to class. Literally. Feel free to use sprinklers in class, and colour the walls. Because hey, Holi hai yaar!!!

5. As part of aforementioned enthusiasm, choose to involve your teaching staff in the festivities. Introduce a choice professor or two(again, preferably your HOD) to the business end of a water balloon.

6. You have CHOSEN to recieve technical education, and as such, on account of this choice, you should not have to attend any practicals/lectures you don't want to. Make up genius excuses such as "I wasn't feeling well" to justify why you did not attend the SAME PRACTICAL 6 weeks IN A ROW.

7. Attendance should never be a problem. "Commitment to the course" easily makes up for whatever attendance you might be missing. Let your professors know in the EXACT aforementioned words, why you chose to stay at home and spank your own chicken. And if they don't understand, well, who cares? They probably have a midlife crisis, or are PMSing.

8. Start writing your assignments/journals when the other students are in line for submitting the same. This suitably demonstrates how far detached from the rat race you are. This acts as a major chick magnet. (High five)

9. Strangely enough, playing your favourite game on the eve of the exam, makes it go by without a hitch..even if you didn't actually study for it. You might have to give an extra exam next sem though. Or 5.

10. Act like a studious bitch all summer long. That way, when you rock the f**k out in a college social, nobody will see you coming. Major points on the "multifaceted personality" meter.

11. "Technical Education" is one of the biggest myths perpetrated by the Education Board. The only thing you are technically going to be educated in, is your gradual transformation into a zombie. But hey, zombies are cool!! Didn't you watch Dawn of the Dead?

12. Plus, in hindsight, if you go in knowing that you aren't really going to learn anything from the course, then you can make sooo more time for World Of Warcraft raiding parties, and making love to your hand! You'll be so in the know with this unbelievable revelation, that I actually feel jealous of you reading this now.

13. Make out in the toilet right next to the teacher's room. Money can't buy you everything...and certainly not the look on the Prof's face when he finds out.

14. Do not keep any more than 3/- to 5/- change handy on your person at anytime. This will buy you a lot of free food.

15. Be a ladies man, and flirt away all you want. But always remember, the "Medulla Oblongota" is not located below your waist. And guess what, some chicks already know!! Who would've thought!! But seriously. Don't be an idiot.

Stick to the above, and stay tuned for more words of wisdom. You'll thank me later, and owe me 15% of your life savings. No sweat.

The Oscars : What's all the fuss about?

Well well, it's that time of the year again. Red carpets, acceptance speeches and annoyingly smug starlets. What surprises is this year's ceremony going to spring?

Stay tuned as I post my 2 cents on the heavyweights battling it out for the golden lady this year. Keep it here if you're tired of the self-important critics beating you over the head with their lyrical description of the merits of an absolute snoozefest.

The truth, like I see it. Cheers!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Worst Country And Western Song Titles - And the Losers Arent..

THE WORST COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONG TITLES
AND THE WINNERS ARE …

20 ‘You’re Out Doing What I’m Here Doing Without’ (Gene Watson)

19 ‘Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I’ll Think You’re Walking In’ (Bill Anderson)

18 ‘How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That’s Thirty-Two?’ (Norma Jean)

17 ‘My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him’ (Phil Earhart)

16 ‘One Day When You Swing That Skillet, My Face Ain’t Gonna Be There’ (Richard Hardwick)

15 ‘How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?’ (Dan Hicks)

14 ‘She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw’ (Rick Stanley and Lookout Mountain)

13 ‘Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed’ (Kinky Friedman)

12 ‘You’re the Hangnail in My Life, and I Can’t Bite You Off’ (Hoyt Axton)

11 ‘I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in Bed While I Cry Over You’ (Homer & Jethro)

10 ‘You’re the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly’ (Loretta Lynn)

9 ‘Her Eyes Say Yes But the Restraining Order Says No’ (Hit the Lights)

8 ‘I’m at Home Getting Hammered (While She’s Out Getting Nailed)’ (Banjo & Sullivan)

7 ‘Get off the table, Mabel, the Two Dollars is for the Beer’ (Bull Moose Jackson)

6 ‘Jesus Loves Me But He Can’t Stand You’ (Austin Lounge Lizards)

5 ‘I Went to Bed at Two with a Ten and Woke Up at Ten with a Two’ (Willie Nelson)

4 ‘I’m Messed Up in Mexico, Livin’ on Refried Dreams’ (Tim McGraw)

3 ‘The Last Word in Lonesome is Me’ (Roger Miller)

2 ‘If My Nose Was Running Money, I’d Blow It All On You’ (Mike Snider)

And the Numero Uno, the one and only.............

1 ‘I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart’ (Johnny Cash).

To think most of these songs have done their time in the Top 10/100 lists, and have been chartrunners is a brilliant commentary on our times. Well, to each his own. Atleast these are worth some laughs. Adios, and here's a thought. This one didn't quite make the list..

Do You Wanna Touch Me?(Oh Yeah) by Gary Glitter

With lyrics that go..‘Do you wanna touch me there? Where? There! Yeah! Oh!’.

And they said my jokes were bad.

The WORST Country and Western Song Titles - The Runners Up

Being corny, and just plain stupid is waaay underrated in my opinion.

As the following excerpt from a kickass book by Colin Bowles, called "The 100 Worst Songs of All Time" proves. You thought you'd seen it all? Not yet Sonny, not just yet..

THE WORST COUNTRY AND WESTERN SONG TITLES
THE RUNNERS UP

40 - ‘I Hate Every Bone in Your Body Except Mine’ (Jimmy Velvit)

39 -‘I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better’ (The Cordwood Draggers)

38 -‘I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me’ (
Reverend Bill C. Wirtz)

37 -‘She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger’ (The Ridge Riders)

36 -‘There Ain’t Enough Whiskey in Tennessee to Drink the Ugly Offa You’ (Yankee Jack)

35 -‘I Been Roped and Thrown by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral’ (Bobby Bare)

34 -‘I Don’t Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling’ (Thom Sharp)

33 ‘Swing Wide Your Gate of Love’ (Hank Thompson)

32 ‘I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!’ (Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs)

31 -‘Did I Shave My Legs for This?’ (Deana Carter)

30 -‘Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears’ (Ruby Wright)

29 -‘My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus’ (Jimmy Buffett)

28 -‘You Can’t Have Your Kate and Edith Too’ (The Statler Brothers)

27 -‘You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat’ (John Denver)

26 -‘If You’re Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right’ (Vern Gosdin)

25 -‘Welcome to Dumpsville, Population You’ (Ace Troubleshooter)

24 -‘Hog Sloppin’ Time in the Hollow’ Chuck Mayfield

23 ‘If I Had Shot the Bitch When I Met Her, I’d Be Out By Now’ (Jimmy Velvit)

22 -‘If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I’d Do It All Over You’ (Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks)

21 -‘It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long’ (Cherry Bombs)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The World's Silliest Superheroes - Ghost Rider


Scene 1:-

Nicholas Cage walks onto the set of "America's Most Obnoxious".

Random Generic Female:- And this one time, I sprayed peanut butter all over my dog, and it was sooo coool!

Random Quirky Guy:- You know like, this dude like, he does like, you know 150 ass-squats daily..He's totally my hero like, you know..

Nicholas Cage:- (Snivels and contorts his face into the worst possible Scooby Doo impersonation) I...uh, have this fiery skull inside of me. I work for Satan. I am like, a total badass.

Anchor:- And you thought you'd seen everything..(shoots himself)

Scene 2:- Badass stunt racing show (backstage)
A young Ghost Rider and his father discuss how much they're getting paid for the movie, and tinker around with perfectly good motorcycles (err..Choppers..Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead.)

Night falls, and an abomination (of an actor) i.e. Satan walks in, accompanied by some scary sound effects.

Satan:- Muhahahhaha! I am Satan! I pwn you! Hellfire and brimstone, and diet control pills, and insulin shots.. Muhahaha...

Johnny Blaze:- Hey man, aren't you like supposed to be 10 feet tall and have horns and stuff?

Satan:- What? Where'd you go and read that? What do you think this is, a Nicholas Cage movie?

Johnny Blaze:- Actually, it is.

Satan:- Huh? Shit...whatever. San Vinganzaa..blah blah blah. Contract..blah blah...100 souls blah blah.

Johnny dumps his girlfriend and wanders off to be a total badass all by himself, and is forever doomed to a life of spanking his own chicken. His girlfriend by the way, grows up to be Eva Mendes. Go figure.

Some Scene:-
3 of Satan's "unethically concieved" offspring meet up at some undisclosed location, and meet another of Satan's sires, named BlackHeart..because, you guessed it, he wears black. They make some diabolical plans nobody cares about.

BlackHeart : If somebody back then had heard of rubbers, we wouldn't be in this stupid movie. I'm gonna kill that old fool for being so careless.

Meanwhile Nicholas Cage turns into a flaming skull, and starts harassing random mugs.

FLAMING NICOLAS CAGE

(to mugger)

Youuuu. Guiltyyyyy.

MUGGER

Youuuu. Sillyyyyy.

He meets a generic Texan rancher hillbilly who explains the story which is even stupider than the current proceedings, and the audience starts wishing Nic Cage would just die. Turns out, Texan dude is actually the previous Ghost Rider, and they both say "Flame on!" and ride through a patch of desert.

Ghost Rider Prequel : Here you go Nic, here's a shotgun.

Nic Cage : You actually rode all the way here just to hand me a goddamn shotgun? What are you, freakin loony?

Ghost Rider Prequel : Hey, this is a movie about a guy who has a f**king flaming skull and a chain whip as a weapon. So save me the scientific doodah. You suck.

Nicholas Cage fights with Blackheart.

Blackheart (after suffering a nausea attack due to Cage's utter quirkiness) : My name is leeeeegion. For we are… maaaaannnnnyyyyy. (Seriously, he actually says that.)

And then Cage kills him. On cue, enter the Devil.

Cage : Hey, you're that guy from The Laramie Project! Whaddup fool?

Satan : You insolent fool!! I'm gonna take away your powers, except the one where you twirl your fingers and pout. I kinda like that.

Cage : Err, no thanks. I'm gonna keep my powers to fight you.

Satan : You mean the powers that I gave to you, and the ones I CAN REMOVE at any time? Those powers?

Cage : Right.

Satan : Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Sillyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.


This movie by the way, recieved a Parental Advisory rating due to the severe assault on the intelligence that it is.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Remaking History - The Jodha Akbar abridged script

Prologue:-
Ashutosh Gowariker decides he's had enough of making good movies, and decides to blow his money in the most outlandish manner possible. And a legend is born - Jodha Akbar.

Scene 1: (Battle of Panipat)

A young Jalaluddin Muhammad Akbar stands on the brink of his destiny. Akbar's army of out-of-work extras stands poised to fight against an even bigger bunch of extras.

Ashutosh Gowariker : ACTION!!!

On cue, the 2 armies of extras charge towards each other, captured by unnecessary sweeping camera movements.
Ashutosh Gowariker: (Falls Asleep)

The 2 armies dont know what to do after this, and just stand and stare at each other. An amazingly hilarious battle ensues, with soldiers somersaulting in reaction to sword thrusts, and indulge in combat that is reminiscent of Garba/Dandiya. Wonderful!


Akbar's general: If we kill the opposition king, even though his army is 3x stronger than ours, we will win!

Chota Hrithik: Thanks Einstein! How did you not laugh while saying that? You're a great actor!

A bunch of characters who forgot that Lagaan was filmed over 7 years ago drops in, and continues playing the same characters that they played in the earlier movie.

In an utterly ridiculous sequence, something that even outdoes the Pocket tanks, the opposition king HEMU is killed by a "Crouching Tiger Hidden Archer".

(Gowariker wakes up): Hey wait, what? The battle is over? Sh*t. Anyway, lets get on with the rest of the filler dialogue.


Scene 2: (Khwaja Mere Khwaja)

Ashutosh spots Hrithik making out with one of the extras he particularly liked, and he decides to punish him in the worst way possible. "I will put you in front of a whole bunch of people who stuck their heads up a flower vase to prove their relevance to the Mughal period, and you have to keep a straight face and pretend you give a damn about what happens in the song."

Aforementioned Mughal nuts show up and perform P.T. Exercises. Ashutosh goes off to watch his "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" DVD. The audience falls over laughing , and half of them leave.


Ext Scene: (Rest of the movie, which has no particular scenes at all)

Ashutosh(AG from now on): I loved Crouching Tiger. F**king cool movie. Ash, show me some moves!

Ash: WTF?

AG: OOO chow-yun-fat kuuaaa huuu!

Ash: Dude, seriously!!

AG: Here is Sonu Sood. Hey Sonu, show her what a cool movie it was!

(They proceed to perform an extremely stupid fight scene.)

AG: Hey wait, that wasn't supposed to be in the movie. But what the hell - chow-yun-fat kuuaaa huuu!

The movie drags on and on and on, and after 17 hours, Jodha is married to Akbar. In the meantime, Hrithik tames an elephant (who later said in an interview that HE was the one trying to evade Hrithik the whole time).

Enter the rest of the extras - a eunuch (whatever!), three generic Sahelis, a viciously evil scheming Ila Arun and some others. Which makes you think, whether AG made this whole thing tongue-in-cheek as a parody of our times, and of period films in general. Surely, everything couldn't be intentionally this bad.


Some Scene : (Hrithik practising swordplay)

Hrithik: (with a thermocol sword) Obi-Wan, may the force be with you. Oops, I mean "hoo haa hoo".

Ash:(spots him through a generic veil) Crazy Kiya re! Crazy Kiya Re!

Hrithik: Purdah hai Purdah! Purdahnasheen ko bepurdah na kardoon toh toh toh Akbar meraa naam nahi hai!


An assassination attempt is made on the life of Akbar, and 30 minutes are added to the movie.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!


War is declared, and there is a huge tempo increase in the background score.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!


Sujamal takes 8 arrows in the back, and talks melodrama for 30 minutes before dying.
Sujamal: Yeah baby! Who da man? Who da man? Mughal resilience!! Mughal resilience!
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!



The battle of TROY happens, only without Brad Pitt and Eric Bana, and the entertainment value.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!


The movie finishes, and the usher has to push everyone out of their seats, because they are so fast asleep.

Ext Scene: (Grandfather narrating story to his grandchildren)

Grandpa: So you see my children, once upon a time , there was a great Emperor known as Akbar who was only 13 when he became emperor .....

Children: Akbar got to stay with Aishwarya in skimpy clothes? Cool! Akbar Rules!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Epiphany and GUNDA - An ode to all things Mithun

“There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who have seen “Gunda”. And those who shall see it.” ——Kanti Shah


"Aye Kafanchor Neta, mere naam ki qawwali gana chod...kaam ki baat kar, jis kaam ke liye tu Billi ka doodh peeke dilli se aaya hai."

An instant classic, Gunda is the personification about all things that are glorious about Bollywood.

Unforgettable Villians:-

Lambu Aata - "Bulla, teri behen ka main karunga khullam khulla"
This guy has got to be the most menacing villain EVER in the history of cinema. Those eyes are the stuff of nightmares. Be afraid, be very afraid, warna "Mera naam hai Lambu Aata, sale ko doonga maut ka Chaanta"

Bulla aka Bulla Bhai aka "Mera naam hai Bulla, rakhta hoon khulla".

Nuff' Said. 'Bulli, kahan hai teri ungli'?




Shakti Kapoor aka Chutiya (no jokes, that is his name in the movie)

An inspired performance by Shakti Kapoor, alas one which he would never repeat in his "Lolita" career.


Howard Shore be damned, Anand Raaj Anand gives a musical score that haunts, and even manages to thrill in the "Liptam Lipti Chipkam Chipki" moments.

The story begins with the Kafanchor Neta and Lambu Aata
meeting in a generic airport setting. This airport incidentally also employs coolies, and even has God(Mithun) on its payroll. Kafanchor Neta seems to be having some problems with Bulla, and Lambu Aata duly resolves to solve them in the bloodiest manner possible. "Are tune Bulla ka naam sunakar mera (baal) khada kar diya hai".

Lambu Aata stabs one of Bulla's henchmen, who bleeds sc
hezwan sauce and runs through a volcano and an airport before reaching Bulla's lair. "Bulla, Lambu Aata ne mujhe chaaku maar diya!!"(Really? I couldn't tell. Thanks anyway) Bulla ends his misery, and we are introduced to the meanest gang ever assembled this side of a Tarantino film.



Mohan Joshi aka Pote : "Jo apne baap ke bhi nahin hote"







Ibu Hatela: "Maa meri chudail ki beti, baap mera shaitan ke chela - khayega kela?(suggestive gesture towards his (ahem!) kela"




Lambu Aata freaks out, and he really totally fondles Bulla's
sister, (Chatri hoti hai kholne ke liye, chadar hoti hai odhne ke liye, aur chokri hoti hai chedne ke liye). Bulla ki behen isnt used to getting the love from super-cool gangstas, and freaks out and dies.

Get your tissues out people, Bulla delivers the most heartfelt dialogue ever heard this side of the Milky Way. "Munni meri behen munni, munni meri behen munni!! Toh tu mar gayi? Lambu ne tujhe lamba kar diya? Maachis ki teeli ko, khamba kar diya? Are mere dil mein kya kya Armaan the tere liye. Maine toh tere liye like 300 chokre dekhe the(woh bhi ekdam chikne!). Lekin tu toh katela gurd
a, yane ke murda ban gayi?". Profound man, profound. Respect.

Bulla kills Lambu in a particularly gory sequence, which involves dialogues like -
"Tune mujhe nakhun ka mail (dirt) kaha tha na? Ab hum tujhe saande ka tel laga laga ke maarenge".
"Tereko AIDS se bachane ke liye nirodh ban jaunga. Towel banke teri kamar se lipat jaunga. Mujhe chakka bana de, main saari lapetkar dance karunga - GORE GORE G
AL GAL GORE GORE GORE GORE!"

In due time, Bulla and his gang of cronies run into God, and the unjust shall duly face his wrath. On the seventh day, God said "Main garibon ke liye jyoti, paapiyon ke liye Jwaala, Naam hai mera Shankar."

Prabhuji has a particularly sensuous love interest in the film, and conveys it with haunting melodies like "Nasha nasha karta hai, is nashe mein dum nahin".


(Begone, you temptress with the garish dress and the come-hither.)


(Jhangoman- He's so tough, so strong, so tough, so strong.)

Prabhuji slays all of the villians in a particularly gruesome manner, so if you cant handle poetic dialogue and "Hasina ka Pasina", stay away from this one. But not before we meet a truly unforgettable revolutionary, namely Lucky Chikna.


Lucky Chikna and the Latakta Hua Circus (See it to believe it!)


Lucky Chikna and his futuristic "house of recreation".

Which brings us all to the grand finale, an explosive sequence which will leave you breathless. 100 men, AK-47s, couple dozen cars and rickshaws (which started moving towards the venue for the climax about 3 hours before the movie started, and almost get there by the end of the film.) VS Prabhu with a Rocket Launcher/Gun/Sniper/Ass-Kicker = MASSACRE. Prabhuji whips their belly bottom clad- somersaulting heinies from the Long Long Ago, to Kingdom come. He duly disposes of Bulla, and the filth that walks the earth is laid to rest, until Kanti Shah says so.

Parting shots? Yeah - GO WATCH THIS, if your life is worth anything to you.

As Prabhu would say "
Do. Chaar. Che. Aath. Dus. BUS!". Prabhuji ki jai ho!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

The Art of over rated movie watching : Part 2

Case in Point: The last Oscar Winning King of Scotland

Wonderful. Spine-chilling. Powerful. Brilliant.

A myriad of such brilliant adjectives attached to Forest Whitaker's admittedly good performance as Idi Amin cant lift this absolutely tortuous bore-fest from the dumps. If Marlon Brando played Don Vito in a Paris Hilton movie, would you sit through it?

Add to the mix an amazingly wooden Scottish doctor, who displays exactly 2 emotions throughout the film, and makes Rupert Grint (Ron from the Potter movies) look like an amazingly versatile actor. Did I hear you say "Blaaady 'Ell 'Aaaary!!!!"?

A distinct sense of Deja Vu struck me from the first frame in this film, and it's because after Hotel Rwanda, Black Hawk Down, City of God etc..there's only so much different about viewing a story set in Africa. (Atleast when they hump LA over and over again, they use different disasters - earthquakes, overgrown lizards, Meteors, Ben Affleck etc.)

Taking nothing away from Blood Diamond, which was absolutely fantastic. Coming back to LKOS, said Scottish doctor goes to Uganda in a bus, and indulges in exchange of bodily fluids with a native, who turns out to be Idi Amin's wife, and so we know that basically , he is f**ked (no pun intended).

He travels into the heart of Uganda, and witnesses Whitaker deliver a supremely uplifting speech - where he says "UGGAAANDAA MUMBBBAAYEEE!!!" over and over, and sends the natives into a ecstatic frenzy. Whitaker is impressed by the Scottish doctor's lack of acting abilities, and offers to induct him into his inner circle of failed actors. AND HE DOES.

And then, you get the sudden impression that you are watching a NGC documentary, only this one doesnt seem to be ending, and you cant change the channel. This, as the reviews indicate, is a supremely powerful and poignant style of filmmaking, which my puny mind is unable to grasp. Anyway, Forest Whitaker does some unspeakably atrocious acts, and Scotty Boy decides that he's had enough , and tries to run out of the movie studio - he runs, and doesnt get caught, then he runs again, and gets caught, but a native doctor sacrifices himself to save Scotty, and so he runs again, and the movie ends. Just before the credits, you can see the slightest hint of relief flash across the Scot's face. "Blaaady 'Elll 'Mate , this movie is over already". Well atleast we all know why Scotty Boy was relieved at the end.

If you watch the movie, and like it - that's great. For me personally, this has to be the one film I took the most sittings to complete watching. I used to watch it in 10 minute installments. No kidding. UGGAAANDAA MUMBBBAAYEEE!!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Art of watching over-rated movies....Part 1

First Post...Hello Everyone.

A rant may not exactly seem like the best way to start off a blog, but what the heck...

Case in point:
I am F**king Legend (yeah right!)

After subjecting myself to this convoluted mixture of "The last man on earth meets the Omega man 28 days and leaves 28 (minutes)weeks later", I had lost 1 hr 40 minutes of my life which I would never get back, and time on the weekend which I had utterly wasted.

IMDB gives this an unbelievable 7.6, which makes me wonder what exactly there is to like about this cliched zombie fest that never was. Lets see

1>Incredibly f**king deadly virus - Check
2>Self sacrificing protagonist who saves the world - Check
3>Horribly animated zombies - Check
4>Unbelievably stupid plot device to explain spread of virus and Will's Immunity - Check
5>Ultra modern, fully functional equipment - Check

Will Smith walks around NYC for what seems like forever, with his dog(who is the best character in the movie, by the way, and goes deer hunting. And we are supposed to care about his predicament, because he plays golf on fighter jets, and talks to mannequins at the local video store.

Because the director had nothing else left to show, after an endless string of beautiful panoramic shots of deserted New York, the zombies appear. These are KV infected DirectX 3 models, by the way, and therefore are EXTREMELY SCARY. They huff and puff suggestively, and basically go around pointlessly, like the other characters in the movie.

All this while, Will Smith goes around playing god and conducting incredibly smart science experiments, and is immune to the humanity destroying virus,because he is Will Smith. And then he shoots a mannequin he calls Fred, because this is an excellent example of character development. Fred does his part well and falls over, and on cue, Zombie Man 5000 lets out his pups. They maul Will's Dog, and thus the only character we care about in the movie dies.

And then an obligatory cute female and the quittessential helpless boy wander into Will's life, and he finds a reason to fight again, because it's already an hour and 20 minutes into the movie, and its about F**king time he did something. Zombies storm his house, which makes you wonder, of all the possible shelters he could select....he chooses a worn down house, instead of a bad-ass military enclosure. Surprisingly, he fails to defend, and manages to handover the cure to the aforementioned cute female, who then pouts 2 of her 5 lines in the movie.

Will Smith goes Rambo with a grenade instead of just lobbing it, because he is just too damn tired to care. All the zombies die, and Will saves the world yet again.

Don't take my word for it, go and watch this "legendary" 28 Days Later(in New York this time), minus the atmosphere and plus some really cheesy special effects. 7.6? Go Figure. I am too disillusioned to be a legend.