Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Remaking History - The Jodha Akbar abridged script

Ashutosh Gowariker decides he's had enough of making good movies, and decides to blow his money in the most outlandish manner possible. And a legend is born - Jodha Akbar.

Scene 1: (Battle of Panipat)

A young Jalaluddin Muhammad Akbar stands on the brink of his destiny. Akbar's army of out-of-work extras stands poised to fight against an even bigger bunch of extras.

Ashutosh Gowariker : ACTION!!!

On cue, the 2 armies of extras charge towards each other, captured by unnecessary sweeping camera movements.
Ashutosh Gowariker: (Falls Asleep)

The 2 armies dont know what to do after this, and just stand and stare at each other. An amazingly hilarious battle ensues, with soldiers somersaulting in reaction to sword thrusts, and indulge in combat that is reminiscent of Garba/Dandiya. Wonderful!

Akbar's general: If we kill the opposition king, even though his army is 3x stronger than ours, we will win!

Chota Hrithik: Thanks Einstein! How did you not laugh while saying that? You're a great actor!

A bunch of characters who forgot that Lagaan was filmed over 7 years ago drops in, and continues playing the same characters that they played in the earlier movie.

In an utterly ridiculous sequence, something that even outdoes the Pocket tanks, the opposition king HEMU is killed by a "Crouching Tiger Hidden Archer".

(Gowariker wakes up): Hey wait, what? The battle is over? Sh*t. Anyway, lets get on with the rest of the filler dialogue.

Scene 2: (Khwaja Mere Khwaja)

Ashutosh spots Hrithik making out with one of the extras he particularly liked, and he decides to punish him in the worst way possible. "I will put you in front of a whole bunch of people who stuck their heads up a flower vase to prove their relevance to the Mughal period, and you have to keep a straight face and pretend you give a damn about what happens in the song."

Aforementioned Mughal nuts show up and perform P.T. Exercises. Ashutosh goes off to watch his "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" DVD. The audience falls over laughing , and half of them leave.

Ext Scene: (Rest of the movie, which has no particular scenes at all)

Ashutosh(AG from now on): I loved Crouching Tiger. F**king cool movie. Ash, show me some moves!

Ash: WTF?

AG: OOO chow-yun-fat kuuaaa huuu!

Ash: Dude, seriously!!

AG: Here is Sonu Sood. Hey Sonu, show her what a cool movie it was!

(They proceed to perform an extremely stupid fight scene.)

AG: Hey wait, that wasn't supposed to be in the movie. But what the hell - chow-yun-fat kuuaaa huuu!

The movie drags on and on and on, and after 17 hours, Jodha is married to Akbar. In the meantime, Hrithik tames an elephant (who later said in an interview that HE was the one trying to evade Hrithik the whole time).

Enter the rest of the extras - a eunuch (whatever!), three generic Sahelis, a viciously evil scheming Ila Arun and some others. Which makes you think, whether AG made this whole thing tongue-in-cheek as a parody of our times, and of period films in general. Surely, everything couldn't be intentionally this bad.

Some Scene : (Hrithik practising swordplay)

Hrithik: (with a thermocol sword) Obi-Wan, may the force be with you. Oops, I mean "hoo haa hoo".

Ash:(spots him through a generic veil) Crazy Kiya re! Crazy Kiya Re!

Hrithik: Purdah hai Purdah! Purdahnasheen ko bepurdah na kardoon toh toh toh Akbar meraa naam nahi hai!

An assassination attempt is made on the life of Akbar, and 30 minutes are added to the movie.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

War is declared, and there is a huge tempo increase in the background score.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

Sujamal takes 8 arrows in the back, and talks melodrama for 30 minutes before dying.
Sujamal: Yeah baby! Who da man? Who da man? Mughal resilience!! Mughal resilience!
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

The battle of TROY happens, only without Brad Pitt and Eric Bana, and the entertainment value.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

The movie finishes, and the usher has to push everyone out of their seats, because they are so fast asleep.

Ext Scene: (Grandfather narrating story to his grandchildren)

Grandpa: So you see my children, once upon a time , there was a great Emperor known as Akbar who was only 13 when he became emperor .....

Children: Akbar got to stay with Aishwarya in skimpy clothes? Cool! Akbar Rules!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Epiphany and GUNDA - An ode to all things Mithun

“There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who have seen “Gunda”. And those who shall see it.” ——Kanti Shah

"Aye Kafanchor Neta, mere naam ki qawwali gana chod...kaam ki baat kar, jis kaam ke liye tu Billi ka doodh peeke dilli se aaya hai."

An instant classic, Gunda is the personification about all things that are glorious about Bollywood.

Unforgettable Villians:-

Lambu Aata - "Bulla, teri behen ka main karunga khullam khulla"
This guy has got to be the most menacing villain EVER in the history of cinema. Those eyes are the stuff of nightmares. Be afraid, be very afraid, warna "Mera naam hai Lambu Aata, sale ko doonga maut ka Chaanta"

Bulla aka Bulla Bhai aka "Mera naam hai Bulla, rakhta hoon khulla".

Nuff' Said. 'Bulli, kahan hai teri ungli'?

Shakti Kapoor aka Chutiya (no jokes, that is his name in the movie)

An inspired performance by Shakti Kapoor, alas one which he would never repeat in his "Lolita" career.

Howard Shore be damned, Anand Raaj Anand gives a musical score that haunts, and even manages to thrill in the "Liptam Lipti Chipkam Chipki" moments.

The story begins with the Kafanchor Neta and Lambu Aata
meeting in a generic airport setting. This airport incidentally also employs coolies, and even has God(Mithun) on its payroll. Kafanchor Neta seems to be having some problems with Bulla, and Lambu Aata duly resolves to solve them in the bloodiest manner possible. "Are tune Bulla ka naam sunakar mera (baal) khada kar diya hai".

Lambu Aata stabs one of Bulla's henchmen, who bleeds sc
hezwan sauce and runs through a volcano and an airport before reaching Bulla's lair. "Bulla, Lambu Aata ne mujhe chaaku maar diya!!"(Really? I couldn't tell. Thanks anyway) Bulla ends his misery, and we are introduced to the meanest gang ever assembled this side of a Tarantino film.

Mohan Joshi aka Pote : "Jo apne baap ke bhi nahin hote"

Ibu Hatela: "Maa meri chudail ki beti, baap mera shaitan ke chela - khayega kela?(suggestive gesture towards his (ahem!) kela"

Lambu Aata freaks out, and he really totally fondles Bulla's
sister, (Chatri hoti hai kholne ke liye, chadar hoti hai odhne ke liye, aur chokri hoti hai chedne ke liye). Bulla ki behen isnt used to getting the love from super-cool gangstas, and freaks out and dies.

Get your tissues out people, Bulla delivers the most heartfelt dialogue ever heard this side of the Milky Way. "Munni meri behen munni, munni meri behen munni!! Toh tu mar gayi? Lambu ne tujhe lamba kar diya? Maachis ki teeli ko, khamba kar diya? Are mere dil mein kya kya Armaan the tere liye. Maine toh tere liye like 300 chokre dekhe the(woh bhi ekdam chikne!). Lekin tu toh katela gurd
a, yane ke murda ban gayi?". Profound man, profound. Respect.

Bulla kills Lambu in a particularly gory sequence, which involves dialogues like -
"Tune mujhe nakhun ka mail (dirt) kaha tha na? Ab hum tujhe saande ka tel laga laga ke maarenge".
"Tereko AIDS se bachane ke liye nirodh ban jaunga. Towel banke teri kamar se lipat jaunga. Mujhe chakka bana de, main saari lapetkar dance karunga - GORE GORE G

In due time, Bulla and his gang of cronies run into God, and the unjust shall duly face his wrath. On the seventh day, God said "Main garibon ke liye jyoti, paapiyon ke liye Jwaala, Naam hai mera Shankar."

Prabhuji has a particularly sensuous love interest in the film, and conveys it with haunting melodies like "Nasha nasha karta hai, is nashe mein dum nahin".

(Begone, you temptress with the garish dress and the come-hither.)

(Jhangoman- He's so tough, so strong, so tough, so strong.)

Prabhuji slays all of the villians in a particularly gruesome manner, so if you cant handle poetic dialogue and "Hasina ka Pasina", stay away from this one. But not before we meet a truly unforgettable revolutionary, namely Lucky Chikna.

Lucky Chikna and the Latakta Hua Circus (See it to believe it!)

Lucky Chikna and his futuristic "house of recreation".

Which brings us all to the grand finale, an explosive sequence which will leave you breathless. 100 men, AK-47s, couple dozen cars and rickshaws (which started moving towards the venue for the climax about 3 hours before the movie started, and almost get there by the end of the film.) VS Prabhu with a Rocket Launcher/Gun/Sniper/Ass-Kicker = MASSACRE. Prabhuji whips their belly bottom clad- somersaulting heinies from the Long Long Ago, to Kingdom come. He duly disposes of Bulla, and the filth that walks the earth is laid to rest, until Kanti Shah says so.

Parting shots? Yeah - GO WATCH THIS, if your life is worth anything to you.

As Prabhu would say "
Do. Chaar. Che. Aath. Dus. BUS!". Prabhuji ki jai ho!