Thursday, December 18, 2008

The Worst Country And Western Song Titles - And the Losers Arent..


20 ‘You’re Out Doing What I’m Here Doing Without’ (Gene Watson)

19 ‘Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I’ll Think You’re Walking In’ (Bill Anderson)

18 ‘How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That’s Thirty-Two?’ (Norma Jean)

17 ‘My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend and I Sure Do Miss Him’ (Phil Earhart)

16 ‘One Day When You Swing That Skillet, My Face Ain’t Gonna Be There’ (Richard Hardwick)

15 ‘How Can I Miss You When You Won’t Go Away?’ (Dan Hicks)

14 ‘She Broke My Heart, I Broke Her Jaw’ (Rick Stanley and Lookout Mountain)

13 ‘Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed’ (Kinky Friedman)

12 ‘You’re the Hangnail in My Life, and I Can’t Bite You Off’ (Hoyt Axton)

11 ‘I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in Bed While I Cry Over You’ (Homer & Jethro)

10 ‘You’re the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly’ (Loretta Lynn)

9 ‘Her Eyes Say Yes But the Restraining Order Says No’ (Hit the Lights)

8 ‘I’m at Home Getting Hammered (While She’s Out Getting Nailed)’ (Banjo & Sullivan)

7 ‘Get off the table, Mabel, the Two Dollars is for the Beer’ (Bull Moose Jackson)

6 ‘Jesus Loves Me But He Can’t Stand You’ (Austin Lounge Lizards)

5 ‘I Went to Bed at Two with a Ten and Woke Up at Ten with a Two’ (Willie Nelson)

4 ‘I’m Messed Up in Mexico, Livin’ on Refried Dreams’ (Tim McGraw)

3 ‘The Last Word in Lonesome is Me’ (Roger Miller)

2 ‘If My Nose Was Running Money, I’d Blow It All On You’ (Mike Snider)

And the Numero Uno, the one and only.............

1 ‘I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart’ (Johnny Cash).

To think most of these songs have done their time in the Top 10/100 lists, and have been chartrunners is a brilliant commentary on our times. Well, to each his own. Atleast these are worth some laughs. Adios, and here's a thought. This one didn't quite make the list..

Do You Wanna Touch Me?(Oh Yeah) by Gary Glitter

With lyrics that go..‘Do you wanna touch me there? Where? There! Yeah! Oh!’.

And they said my jokes were bad.

The WORST Country and Western Song Titles - The Runners Up

Being corny, and just plain stupid is waaay underrated in my opinion.

As the following excerpt from a kickass book by Colin Bowles, called "The 100 Worst Songs of All Time" proves. You thought you'd seen it all? Not yet Sonny, not just yet..


40 - ‘I Hate Every Bone in Your Body Except Mine’ (Jimmy Velvit)

39 -‘I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better’ (The Cordwood Draggers)

38 -‘I Went Back to My Fourth Wife for the Third Time and Gave Her a Second Chance to Make a First Class Fool Out of Me’ (
Reverend Bill C. Wirtz)

37 -‘She Got the Ring and I Got the Finger’ (The Ridge Riders)

36 -‘There Ain’t Enough Whiskey in Tennessee to Drink the Ugly Offa You’ (Yankee Jack)

35 -‘I Been Roped and Thrown by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral’ (Bobby Bare)

34 -‘I Don’t Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling’ (Thom Sharp)

33 ‘Swing Wide Your Gate of Love’ (Hank Thompson)

32 ‘I Would Have Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn’t Spell Yuck!’ (Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs)

31 -‘Did I Shave My Legs for This?’ (Deana Carter)

30 -‘Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreens and I Cried All the Way to Sears’ (Ruby Wright)

29 -‘My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love Jesus’ (Jimmy Buffett)

28 -‘You Can’t Have Your Kate and Edith Too’ (The Statler Brothers)

27 -‘You Done Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat’ (John Denver)

26 -‘If You’re Gonna Do Me Wrong, Do It Right’ (Vern Gosdin)

25 -‘Welcome to Dumpsville, Population You’ (Ace Troubleshooter)

24 -‘Hog Sloppin’ Time in the Hollow’ Chuck Mayfield

23 ‘If I Had Shot the Bitch When I Met Her, I’d Be Out By Now’ (Jimmy Velvit)

22 -‘If I Had It To Do All Over Again, I’d Do It All Over You’ (Dan Hicks & His Hot Licks)

21 -‘It’s Hard to Kiss the Lips at Night that Chew Your Ass Out All Day Long’ (Cherry Bombs)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The World's Silliest Superheroes - Ghost Rider

Scene 1:-

Nicholas Cage walks onto the set of "America's Most Obnoxious".

Random Generic Female:- And this one time, I sprayed peanut butter all over my dog, and it was sooo coool!

Random Quirky Guy:- You know like, this dude like, he does like, you know 150 ass-squats daily..He's totally my hero like, you know..

Nicholas Cage:- (Snivels and contorts his face into the worst possible Scooby Doo impersonation) I...uh, have this fiery skull inside of me. I work for Satan. I am like, a total badass.

Anchor:- And you thought you'd seen everything..(shoots himself)

Scene 2:- Badass stunt racing show (backstage)
A young Ghost Rider and his father discuss how much they're getting paid for the movie, and tinker around with perfectly good motorcycles (err..Choppers..Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead.)

Night falls, and an abomination (of an actor) i.e. Satan walks in, accompanied by some scary sound effects.

Satan:- Muhahahhaha! I am Satan! I pwn you! Hellfire and brimstone, and diet control pills, and insulin shots.. Muhahaha...

Johnny Blaze:- Hey man, aren't you like supposed to be 10 feet tall and have horns and stuff?

Satan:- What? Where'd you go and read that? What do you think this is, a Nicholas Cage movie?

Johnny Blaze:- Actually, it is.

Satan:- Huh? Shit...whatever. San Vinganzaa..blah blah blah. Contract..blah blah...100 souls blah blah.

Johnny dumps his girlfriend and wanders off to be a total badass all by himself, and is forever doomed to a life of spanking his own chicken. His girlfriend by the way, grows up to be Eva Mendes. Go figure.

Some Scene:-
3 of Satan's "unethically concieved" offspring meet up at some undisclosed location, and meet another of Satan's sires, named BlackHeart..because, you guessed it, he wears black. They make some diabolical plans nobody cares about.

BlackHeart : If somebody back then had heard of rubbers, we wouldn't be in this stupid movie. I'm gonna kill that old fool for being so careless.

Meanwhile Nicholas Cage turns into a flaming skull, and starts harassing random mugs.


(to mugger)

Youuuu. Guiltyyyyy.


Youuuu. Sillyyyyy.

He meets a generic Texan rancher hillbilly who explains the story which is even stupider than the current proceedings, and the audience starts wishing Nic Cage would just die. Turns out, Texan dude is actually the previous Ghost Rider, and they both say "Flame on!" and ride through a patch of desert.

Ghost Rider Prequel : Here you go Nic, here's a shotgun.

Nic Cage : You actually rode all the way here just to hand me a goddamn shotgun? What are you, freakin loony?

Ghost Rider Prequel : Hey, this is a movie about a guy who has a f**king flaming skull and a chain whip as a weapon. So save me the scientific doodah. You suck.

Nicholas Cage fights with Blackheart.

Blackheart (after suffering a nausea attack due to Cage's utter quirkiness) : My name is leeeeegion. For we are… maaaaannnnnyyyyy. (Seriously, he actually says that.)

And then Cage kills him. On cue, enter the Devil.

Cage : Hey, you're that guy from The Laramie Project! Whaddup fool?

Satan : You insolent fool!! I'm gonna take away your powers, except the one where you twirl your fingers and pout. I kinda like that.

Cage : Err, no thanks. I'm gonna keep my powers to fight you.

Satan : You mean the powers that I gave to you, and the ones I CAN REMOVE at any time? Those powers?

Cage : Right.

Satan : Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Sillyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

This movie by the way, recieved a Parental Advisory rating due to the severe assault on the intelligence that it is.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Remaking History - The Jodha Akbar abridged script

Ashutosh Gowariker decides he's had enough of making good movies, and decides to blow his money in the most outlandish manner possible. And a legend is born - Jodha Akbar.

Scene 1: (Battle of Panipat)

A young Jalaluddin Muhammad Akbar stands on the brink of his destiny. Akbar's army of out-of-work extras stands poised to fight against an even bigger bunch of extras.

Ashutosh Gowariker : ACTION!!!

On cue, the 2 armies of extras charge towards each other, captured by unnecessary sweeping camera movements.
Ashutosh Gowariker: (Falls Asleep)

The 2 armies dont know what to do after this, and just stand and stare at each other. An amazingly hilarious battle ensues, with soldiers somersaulting in reaction to sword thrusts, and indulge in combat that is reminiscent of Garba/Dandiya. Wonderful!

Akbar's general: If we kill the opposition king, even though his army is 3x stronger than ours, we will win!

Chota Hrithik: Thanks Einstein! How did you not laugh while saying that? You're a great actor!

A bunch of characters who forgot that Lagaan was filmed over 7 years ago drops in, and continues playing the same characters that they played in the earlier movie.

In an utterly ridiculous sequence, something that even outdoes the Pocket tanks, the opposition king HEMU is killed by a "Crouching Tiger Hidden Archer".

(Gowariker wakes up): Hey wait, what? The battle is over? Sh*t. Anyway, lets get on with the rest of the filler dialogue.

Scene 2: (Khwaja Mere Khwaja)

Ashutosh spots Hrithik making out with one of the extras he particularly liked, and he decides to punish him in the worst way possible. "I will put you in front of a whole bunch of people who stuck their heads up a flower vase to prove their relevance to the Mughal period, and you have to keep a straight face and pretend you give a damn about what happens in the song."

Aforementioned Mughal nuts show up and perform P.T. Exercises. Ashutosh goes off to watch his "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" DVD. The audience falls over laughing , and half of them leave.

Ext Scene: (Rest of the movie, which has no particular scenes at all)

Ashutosh(AG from now on): I loved Crouching Tiger. F**king cool movie. Ash, show me some moves!

Ash: WTF?

AG: OOO chow-yun-fat kuuaaa huuu!

Ash: Dude, seriously!!

AG: Here is Sonu Sood. Hey Sonu, show her what a cool movie it was!

(They proceed to perform an extremely stupid fight scene.)

AG: Hey wait, that wasn't supposed to be in the movie. But what the hell - chow-yun-fat kuuaaa huuu!

The movie drags on and on and on, and after 17 hours, Jodha is married to Akbar. In the meantime, Hrithik tames an elephant (who later said in an interview that HE was the one trying to evade Hrithik the whole time).

Enter the rest of the extras - a eunuch (whatever!), three generic Sahelis, a viciously evil scheming Ila Arun and some others. Which makes you think, whether AG made this whole thing tongue-in-cheek as a parody of our times, and of period films in general. Surely, everything couldn't be intentionally this bad.

Some Scene : (Hrithik practising swordplay)

Hrithik: (with a thermocol sword) Obi-Wan, may the force be with you. Oops, I mean "hoo haa hoo".

Ash:(spots him through a generic veil) Crazy Kiya re! Crazy Kiya Re!

Hrithik: Purdah hai Purdah! Purdahnasheen ko bepurdah na kardoon toh toh toh Akbar meraa naam nahi hai!

An assassination attempt is made on the life of Akbar, and 30 minutes are added to the movie.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

War is declared, and there is a huge tempo increase in the background score.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

Sujamal takes 8 arrows in the back, and talks melodrama for 30 minutes before dying.
Sujamal: Yeah baby! Who da man? Who da man? Mughal resilience!! Mughal resilience!
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

The battle of TROY happens, only without Brad Pitt and Eric Bana, and the entertainment value.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

The movie finishes, and the usher has to push everyone out of their seats, because they are so fast asleep.

Ext Scene: (Grandfather narrating story to his grandchildren)

Grandpa: So you see my children, once upon a time , there was a great Emperor known as Akbar who was only 13 when he became emperor .....

Children: Akbar got to stay with Aishwarya in skimpy clothes? Cool! Akbar Rules!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Epiphany and GUNDA - An ode to all things Mithun

“There are two kinds of people in the world. Those who have seen “Gunda”. And those who shall see it.” ——Kanti Shah

"Aye Kafanchor Neta, mere naam ki qawwali gana chod...kaam ki baat kar, jis kaam ke liye tu Billi ka doodh peeke dilli se aaya hai."

An instant classic, Gunda is the personification about all things that are glorious about Bollywood.

Unforgettable Villians:-

Lambu Aata - "Bulla, teri behen ka main karunga khullam khulla"
This guy has got to be the most menacing villain EVER in the history of cinema. Those eyes are the stuff of nightmares. Be afraid, be very afraid, warna "Mera naam hai Lambu Aata, sale ko doonga maut ka Chaanta"

Bulla aka Bulla Bhai aka "Mera naam hai Bulla, rakhta hoon khulla".

Nuff' Said. 'Bulli, kahan hai teri ungli'?

Shakti Kapoor aka Chutiya (no jokes, that is his name in the movie)

An inspired performance by Shakti Kapoor, alas one which he would never repeat in his "Lolita" career.

Howard Shore be damned, Anand Raaj Anand gives a musical score that haunts, and even manages to thrill in the "Liptam Lipti Chipkam Chipki" moments.

The story begins with the Kafanchor Neta and Lambu Aata
meeting in a generic airport setting. This airport incidentally also employs coolies, and even has God(Mithun) on its payroll. Kafanchor Neta seems to be having some problems with Bulla, and Lambu Aata duly resolves to solve them in the bloodiest manner possible. "Are tune Bulla ka naam sunakar mera (baal) khada kar diya hai".

Lambu Aata stabs one of Bulla's henchmen, who bleeds sc
hezwan sauce and runs through a volcano and an airport before reaching Bulla's lair. "Bulla, Lambu Aata ne mujhe chaaku maar diya!!"(Really? I couldn't tell. Thanks anyway) Bulla ends his misery, and we are introduced to the meanest gang ever assembled this side of a Tarantino film.

Mohan Joshi aka Pote : "Jo apne baap ke bhi nahin hote"

Ibu Hatela: "Maa meri chudail ki beti, baap mera shaitan ke chela - khayega kela?(suggestive gesture towards his (ahem!) kela"

Lambu Aata freaks out, and he really totally fondles Bulla's
sister, (Chatri hoti hai kholne ke liye, chadar hoti hai odhne ke liye, aur chokri hoti hai chedne ke liye). Bulla ki behen isnt used to getting the love from super-cool gangstas, and freaks out and dies.

Get your tissues out people, Bulla delivers the most heartfelt dialogue ever heard this side of the Milky Way. "Munni meri behen munni, munni meri behen munni!! Toh tu mar gayi? Lambu ne tujhe lamba kar diya? Maachis ki teeli ko, khamba kar diya? Are mere dil mein kya kya Armaan the tere liye. Maine toh tere liye like 300 chokre dekhe the(woh bhi ekdam chikne!). Lekin tu toh katela gurd
a, yane ke murda ban gayi?". Profound man, profound. Respect.

Bulla kills Lambu in a particularly gory sequence, which involves dialogues like -
"Tune mujhe nakhun ka mail (dirt) kaha tha na? Ab hum tujhe saande ka tel laga laga ke maarenge".
"Tereko AIDS se bachane ke liye nirodh ban jaunga. Towel banke teri kamar se lipat jaunga. Mujhe chakka bana de, main saari lapetkar dance karunga - GORE GORE G

In due time, Bulla and his gang of cronies run into God, and the unjust shall duly face his wrath. On the seventh day, God said "Main garibon ke liye jyoti, paapiyon ke liye Jwaala, Naam hai mera Shankar."

Prabhuji has a particularly sensuous love interest in the film, and conveys it with haunting melodies like "Nasha nasha karta hai, is nashe mein dum nahin".

(Begone, you temptress with the garish dress and the come-hither.)

(Jhangoman- He's so tough, so strong, so tough, so strong.)

Prabhuji slays all of the villians in a particularly gruesome manner, so if you cant handle poetic dialogue and "Hasina ka Pasina", stay away from this one. But not before we meet a truly unforgettable revolutionary, namely Lucky Chikna.

Lucky Chikna and the Latakta Hua Circus (See it to believe it!)

Lucky Chikna and his futuristic "house of recreation".

Which brings us all to the grand finale, an explosive sequence which will leave you breathless. 100 men, AK-47s, couple dozen cars and rickshaws (which started moving towards the venue for the climax about 3 hours before the movie started, and almost get there by the end of the film.) VS Prabhu with a Rocket Launcher/Gun/Sniper/Ass-Kicker = MASSACRE. Prabhuji whips their belly bottom clad- somersaulting heinies from the Long Long Ago, to Kingdom come. He duly disposes of Bulla, and the filth that walks the earth is laid to rest, until Kanti Shah says so.

Parting shots? Yeah - GO WATCH THIS, if your life is worth anything to you.

As Prabhu would say "
Do. Chaar. Che. Aath. Dus. BUS!". Prabhuji ki jai ho!

Saturday, January 19, 2008

The Art of over rated movie watching : Part 2

Case in Point: The last Oscar Winning King of Scotland

Wonderful. Spine-chilling. Powerful. Brilliant.

A myriad of such brilliant adjectives attached to Forest Whitaker's admittedly good performance as Idi Amin cant lift this absolutely tortuous bore-fest from the dumps. If Marlon Brando played Don Vito in a Paris Hilton movie, would you sit through it?

Add to the mix an amazingly wooden Scottish doctor, who displays exactly 2 emotions throughout the film, and makes Rupert Grint (Ron from the Potter movies) look like an amazingly versatile actor. Did I hear you say "Blaaady 'Ell 'Aaaary!!!!"?

A distinct sense of Deja Vu struck me from the first frame in this film, and it's because after Hotel Rwanda, Black Hawk Down, City of God etc..there's only so much different about viewing a story set in Africa. (Atleast when they hump LA over and over again, they use different disasters - earthquakes, overgrown lizards, Meteors, Ben Affleck etc.)

Taking nothing away from Blood Diamond, which was absolutely fantastic. Coming back to LKOS, said Scottish doctor goes to Uganda in a bus, and indulges in exchange of bodily fluids with a native, who turns out to be Idi Amin's wife, and so we know that basically , he is f**ked (no pun intended).

He travels into the heart of Uganda, and witnesses Whitaker deliver a supremely uplifting speech - where he says "UGGAAANDAA MUMBBBAAYEEE!!!" over and over, and sends the natives into a ecstatic frenzy. Whitaker is impressed by the Scottish doctor's lack of acting abilities, and offers to induct him into his inner circle of failed actors. AND HE DOES.

And then, you get the sudden impression that you are watching a NGC documentary, only this one doesnt seem to be ending, and you cant change the channel. This, as the reviews indicate, is a supremely powerful and poignant style of filmmaking, which my puny mind is unable to grasp. Anyway, Forest Whitaker does some unspeakably atrocious acts, and Scotty Boy decides that he's had enough , and tries to run out of the movie studio - he runs, and doesnt get caught, then he runs again, and gets caught, but a native doctor sacrifices himself to save Scotty, and so he runs again, and the movie ends. Just before the credits, you can see the slightest hint of relief flash across the Scot's face. "Blaaady 'Elll 'Mate , this movie is over already". Well atleast we all know why Scotty Boy was relieved at the end.

If you watch the movie, and like it - that's great. For me personally, this has to be the one film I took the most sittings to complete watching. I used to watch it in 10 minute installments. No kidding. UGGAAANDAA MUMBBBAAYEEE!!!

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

The Art of watching over-rated movies....Part 1

First Post...Hello Everyone.

A rant may not exactly seem like the best way to start off a blog, but what the heck...

Case in point:
I am F**king Legend (yeah right!)

After subjecting myself to this convoluted mixture of "The last man on earth meets the Omega man 28 days and leaves 28 (minutes)weeks later", I had lost 1 hr 40 minutes of my life which I would never get back, and time on the weekend which I had utterly wasted.

IMDB gives this an unbelievable 7.6, which makes me wonder what exactly there is to like about this cliched zombie fest that never was. Lets see

1>Incredibly f**king deadly virus - Check
2>Self sacrificing protagonist who saves the world - Check
3>Horribly animated zombies - Check
4>Unbelievably stupid plot device to explain spread of virus and Will's Immunity - Check
5>Ultra modern, fully functional equipment - Check

Will Smith walks around NYC for what seems like forever, with his dog(who is the best character in the movie, by the way, and goes deer hunting. And we are supposed to care about his predicament, because he plays golf on fighter jets, and talks to mannequins at the local video store.

Because the director had nothing else left to show, after an endless string of beautiful panoramic shots of deserted New York, the zombies appear. These are KV infected DirectX 3 models, by the way, and therefore are EXTREMELY SCARY. They huff and puff suggestively, and basically go around pointlessly, like the other characters in the movie.

All this while, Will Smith goes around playing god and conducting incredibly smart science experiments, and is immune to the humanity destroying virus,because he is Will Smith. And then he shoots a mannequin he calls Fred, because this is an excellent example of character development. Fred does his part well and falls over, and on cue, Zombie Man 5000 lets out his pups. They maul Will's Dog, and thus the only character we care about in the movie dies.

And then an obligatory cute female and the quittessential helpless boy wander into Will's life, and he finds a reason to fight again, because it's already an hour and 20 minutes into the movie, and its about F**king time he did something. Zombies storm his house, which makes you wonder, of all the possible shelters he could select....he chooses a worn down house, instead of a bad-ass military enclosure. Surprisingly, he fails to defend, and manages to handover the cure to the aforementioned cute female, who then pouts 2 of her 5 lines in the movie.

Will Smith goes Rambo with a grenade instead of just lobbing it, because he is just too damn tired to care. All the zombies die, and Will saves the world yet again.

Don't take my word for it, go and watch this "legendary" 28 Days Later(in New York this time), minus the atmosphere and plus some really cheesy special effects. 7.6? Go Figure. I am too disillusioned to be a legend.