Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Remaking History - The Jodha Akbar abridged script

Ashutosh Gowariker decides he's had enough of making good movies, and decides to blow his money in the most outlandish manner possible. And a legend is born - Jodha Akbar.

Scene 1: (Battle of Panipat)

A young Jalaluddin Muhammad Akbar stands on the brink of his destiny. Akbar's army of out-of-work extras stands poised to fight against an even bigger bunch of extras.

Ashutosh Gowariker : ACTION!!!

On cue, the 2 armies of extras charge towards each other, captured by unnecessary sweeping camera movements.
Ashutosh Gowariker: (Falls Asleep)

The 2 armies dont know what to do after this, and just stand and stare at each other. An amazingly hilarious battle ensues, with soldiers somersaulting in reaction to sword thrusts, and indulge in combat that is reminiscent of Garba/Dandiya. Wonderful!

Akbar's general: If we kill the opposition king, even though his army is 3x stronger than ours, we will win!

Chota Hrithik: Thanks Einstein! How did you not laugh while saying that? You're a great actor!

A bunch of characters who forgot that Lagaan was filmed over 7 years ago drops in, and continues playing the same characters that they played in the earlier movie.

In an utterly ridiculous sequence, something that even outdoes the Pocket tanks, the opposition king HEMU is killed by a "Crouching Tiger Hidden Archer".

(Gowariker wakes up): Hey wait, what? The battle is over? Sh*t. Anyway, lets get on with the rest of the filler dialogue.

Scene 2: (Khwaja Mere Khwaja)

Ashutosh spots Hrithik making out with one of the extras he particularly liked, and he decides to punish him in the worst way possible. "I will put you in front of a whole bunch of people who stuck their heads up a flower vase to prove their relevance to the Mughal period, and you have to keep a straight face and pretend you give a damn about what happens in the song."

Aforementioned Mughal nuts show up and perform P.T. Exercises. Ashutosh goes off to watch his "Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon" DVD. The audience falls over laughing , and half of them leave.

Ext Scene: (Rest of the movie, which has no particular scenes at all)

Ashutosh(AG from now on): I loved Crouching Tiger. F**king cool movie. Ash, show me some moves!

Ash: WTF?

AG: OOO chow-yun-fat kuuaaa huuu!

Ash: Dude, seriously!!

AG: Here is Sonu Sood. Hey Sonu, show her what a cool movie it was!

(They proceed to perform an extremely stupid fight scene.)

AG: Hey wait, that wasn't supposed to be in the movie. But what the hell - chow-yun-fat kuuaaa huuu!

The movie drags on and on and on, and after 17 hours, Jodha is married to Akbar. In the meantime, Hrithik tames an elephant (who later said in an interview that HE was the one trying to evade Hrithik the whole time).

Enter the rest of the extras - a eunuch (whatever!), three generic Sahelis, a viciously evil scheming Ila Arun and some others. Which makes you think, whether AG made this whole thing tongue-in-cheek as a parody of our times, and of period films in general. Surely, everything couldn't be intentionally this bad.

Some Scene : (Hrithik practising swordplay)

Hrithik: (with a thermocol sword) Obi-Wan, may the force be with you. Oops, I mean "hoo haa hoo".

Ash:(spots him through a generic veil) Crazy Kiya re! Crazy Kiya Re!

Hrithik: Purdah hai Purdah! Purdahnasheen ko bepurdah na kardoon toh toh toh Akbar meraa naam nahi hai!

An assassination attempt is made on the life of Akbar, and 30 minutes are added to the movie.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

War is declared, and there is a huge tempo increase in the background score.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

Sujamal takes 8 arrows in the back, and talks melodrama for 30 minutes before dying.
Sujamal: Yeah baby! Who da man? Who da man? Mughal resilience!! Mughal resilience!
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

The battle of TROY happens, only without Brad Pitt and Eric Bana, and the entertainment value.
Audience : ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzz!

The movie finishes, and the usher has to push everyone out of their seats, because they are so fast asleep.

Ext Scene: (Grandfather narrating story to his grandchildren)

Grandpa: So you see my children, once upon a time , there was a great Emperor known as Akbar who was only 13 when he became emperor .....

Children: Akbar got to stay with Aishwarya in skimpy clothes? Cool! Akbar Rules!


SibyRulz said...

Badhiya hai Badhiya hai!!!
Shoulve commented on dat ridiculous dance that Tictic sports in Khuja mere Khwaja!! lol

Rahul said...

Getting better with each post man, do not stop writing.
Chodha Fuckbar ka famous battle scene must be really worth watching...cant wait to catch this one.

Nirmal Simon said...

I personally love the Khwaja number. Found its lyrics on freehindilyrics.com and think the song is very well written. A R Rehman has done full justice to Jodhaa Akbar’s songs

Pinaki said...

Choda Fuckbar rofl lmao ..... hahahahahahhhahahaa