Tuesday, May 27, 2008

The World's Silliest Superheroes - Ghost Rider

Scene 1:-

Nicholas Cage walks onto the set of "America's Most Obnoxious".

Random Generic Female:- And this one time, I sprayed peanut butter all over my dog, and it was sooo coool!

Random Quirky Guy:- You know like, this dude like, he does like, you know 150 ass-squats daily..He's totally my hero like, you know..

Nicholas Cage:- (Snivels and contorts his face into the worst possible Scooby Doo impersonation) I...uh, have this fiery skull inside of me. I work for Satan. I am like, a total badass.

Anchor:- And you thought you'd seen everything..(shoots himself)

Scene 2:- Badass stunt racing show (backstage)
A young Ghost Rider and his father discuss how much they're getting paid for the movie, and tinker around with perfectly good motorcycles (err..Choppers..Zed's dead baby, Zed's dead.)

Night falls, and an abomination (of an actor) i.e. Satan walks in, accompanied by some scary sound effects.

Satan:- Muhahahhaha! I am Satan! I pwn you! Hellfire and brimstone, and diet control pills, and insulin shots.. Muhahaha...

Johnny Blaze:- Hey man, aren't you like supposed to be 10 feet tall and have horns and stuff?

Satan:- What? Where'd you go and read that? What do you think this is, a Nicholas Cage movie?

Johnny Blaze:- Actually, it is.

Satan:- Huh? Shit...whatever. San Vinganzaa..blah blah blah. Contract..blah blah...100 souls blah blah.

Johnny dumps his girlfriend and wanders off to be a total badass all by himself, and is forever doomed to a life of spanking his own chicken. His girlfriend by the way, grows up to be Eva Mendes. Go figure.

Some Scene:-
3 of Satan's "unethically concieved" offspring meet up at some undisclosed location, and meet another of Satan's sires, named BlackHeart..because, you guessed it, he wears black. They make some diabolical plans nobody cares about.

BlackHeart : If somebody back then had heard of rubbers, we wouldn't be in this stupid movie. I'm gonna kill that old fool for being so careless.

Meanwhile Nicholas Cage turns into a flaming skull, and starts harassing random mugs.


(to mugger)

Youuuu. Guiltyyyyy.


Youuuu. Sillyyyyy.

He meets a generic Texan rancher hillbilly who explains the story which is even stupider than the current proceedings, and the audience starts wishing Nic Cage would just die. Turns out, Texan dude is actually the previous Ghost Rider, and they both say "Flame on!" and ride through a patch of desert.

Ghost Rider Prequel : Here you go Nic, here's a shotgun.

Nic Cage : You actually rode all the way here just to hand me a goddamn shotgun? What are you, freakin loony?

Ghost Rider Prequel : Hey, this is a movie about a guy who has a f**king flaming skull and a chain whip as a weapon. So save me the scientific doodah. You suck.

Nicholas Cage fights with Blackheart.

Blackheart (after suffering a nausea attack due to Cage's utter quirkiness) : My name is leeeeegion. For we are… maaaaannnnnyyyyy. (Seriously, he actually says that.)

And then Cage kills him. On cue, enter the Devil.

Cage : Hey, you're that guy from The Laramie Project! Whaddup fool?

Satan : You insolent fool!! I'm gonna take away your powers, except the one where you twirl your fingers and pout. I kinda like that.

Cage : Err, no thanks. I'm gonna keep my powers to fight you.

Satan : You mean the powers that I gave to you, and the ones I CAN REMOVE at any time? Those powers?

Cage : Right.

Satan : Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. Sillyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

This movie by the way, recieved a Parental Advisory rating due to the severe assault on the intelligence that it is.


Tenacious said...

wht bt Jimmy ! every 1s waiting gotta do something ;)

RohitR said...

Yeah well, let's see if I think of something I'll do that as well..

Any critique about this particular one?